I realized something else about myself today. Beside the fact that they all have A LOT more money than I do, I don't really relate to most of them. I don't mean to say that I don't enjoy or like them. They are a wonderful bunch of women and I really do like to be around them. I came home and realized I needed to mow the lawn (not normally my job, but I do it 6 months out of the year). And I weeded. And I took a nap on the couch with Ashby and worked on my visual journal (I'll explain one of these days, but lots of magazine cutouts and ideas for the future...)
I think sometimes I need to be all or nothing. Which is what has gotten me into trouble in the past. I would feel like I needed to be one way around people, and then I was totally different when I was alone. Even the way I dress or the things I enjoy (ok..I realize that most of us don't wear heels at home and I don't). I just second guess myself when I am in public. Or I do things differently than I would naturally to make sure I fit or have approval.
Well, nothing is new. I didn't have some big life altering revelation of how to change that. I just noticed it. And listened to my insecurity speak up and let it be there. And then I came home and I put on my rubber boots and mowed the lawn, weeded, and hung out with my daughter.
It feels good to not be afraid of where I am. Its different to just be there and not feel bad about it. It will change, and I will not always be insecure or afraid, but to stop pretending is a big deal.
Here is a cute few pictures of Ashby and I at the beach. My little button.