How many times do I look for God's hand in my life instead of God in my life.
It is not God that dissapoints me, it is not God that alienates me. It is my expectations of how I think God is supposed to work or how I think my life is supposed to go.
I was reading today that when we first meet Jesus we live from blessing to blessing. We are convinced of God's work by His hand moving in our life. Ashby knows I am there when she can feel me. When I give her food, or when I play with her on the floor, or when I nurse her. She cries out in the night because she can't see or feel me.
But when she grows up, and understands object permanence a little better, she will know that I exist and am a part of her life regardless if I am there or not. She will not always understand why I do the things that I do, but my motivation will be to help her grow, to protect her, and to give her what she needs to have the best most rewarding experience she can while I am around to help.
How many times do we chalk up what is happening in our lives to "God's will" but secretly we are resentful and bitter because we really want our own will. I do it all the time. How many times have we been angry at God because of the road He asks us to walk, because we have no vision for why. I am like a child, only able to think of my own feelings, my own frustrations, my own needs, and really more than anything the way that I, myself, want it to be.
When I find myself struggling with my life, which I told God a long time ago He could be in charge of, its because I have gotten out my little road map and said "Yeah, ok God just like this..."
And to be honest, I am so glad that I have a relationship with a God that is so much bigger than me. That I do not understand. That has an agenda that I cannot understand always. That does not need me to figure it out. That stood in for me when I was at my worst, sent His precious flesh and blood, and said "For [insert you name] sake, because I love her more than anything, I will sacrifice everything, to make this right."
That is not an action. That is WHO God is.
I do not always understand what He is doing in the swirling chaos of life, the mess and entanglement of my relationships, and the inner processing that goes on in my head. His hands are all over that. Looking at His hands only gives me a small picture.
When you love someone you look into their eyes to know they love you. Maybe you've never been brave enough to look deeply into the eyes of your creator. Maybe you feel the burden of your shame, your fear, your doubt, your anger, your resentment. Whatever it is, it WILL NEVER be bigger than God.
And you will NEVER understand who you are and what you were made to do without looking into those eyes and feeling the complete PEACE and FREEDOM of the most PERFECT LOVE you will ever know.
If this isn't the God you know, maybe take a minute to \ask him to show you who he really is. People in churches and churches themselves are broken. Church is a place for community but it is not the end all be all of who God is, though we might catch a glimpse there. Ask God to show up and wait expectantly. It may take a while and He may not speak the way that you expect.
But He WILL speak to you exactly how you need Him to. And when He does you will know without a shadow of a doubt how deep, how high, how wide and how strong His love is for you.